Holly's Weight Loss Journey

One Year Mark-150lbs gone

2009-04-07T05:31:00.000-07:00

Well, my year date was March 24th, and I made my goal. I have lost 151 pounds this year, and my life has dramatically changed. It has been a roller coaster but it was definitely worth it!! Marland and I continue to exercise faithfully Monday through Friday and on the occasional Saturday. I feel better when I do it however, I am not 'addicted' to it. I have been really focusing on strength training and cardio. My goal is to still lose another 25 pounds or so, but the weight is coming off extremely slow now and it is pretty much up to me. The benefit of the surgery is done. Dr. Clark recommended that I check out a plastic surgeon for all of the excess skin, however my finances currently don't support that option. If I could afford it, I would probably do a lower body lift that would take off the skin in my stomach, hips, butt and thighs. It's about a ten thousand dollar surgery. My upper arms have always been very large, and now they just look horrible. I have the extra skin off of my elbows, and I don't know how comfortable I will be wearing short sleeves with the nicer weather.

My physical health has greatly improved. I am able to climb stairs, go for walks etc. without getting completely exhausted. My blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, and every other test they do every 3 months and 3 thousand dollars later is right on target. However, my thyroid is still out of whack and I have a large ovarian cyst that I'm currently dealing with, but that's life. I have been going to physical therapy for my back for about a month. I have had back pain for several years, and they always said it was due to my weight, but now I know that I have 3 bulging disks that's causing the pain. The exercises and the treatment they have been doing has provided good relief and I'm optimistic that as I strengthen the muscles and get stronger I will feel a lot better. The lymphodema is still in my legs as well. They are holding a lot of water and I have come to terms with the fact that I will probably always have "kankles" and not ankles. It is embarrassing for me and I don't think that I will ever wear shorts again and certainly not capris (except maybe on a vacation to somewhere hot). But I have to look at these issues as a reminder of who I am, where I have been and what I have overcome.

I have had a lot of non-scale successes this past year. I am now able to use a "normal" size towel not a giant, or a bath sheet. I fit into all chairs just fine, and I don't worry about arm rests. I can cross my legs without any trouble. I can fasten any seat belt and sit in any booth at a restaurant. I no longer worry about the stability of a chair nor do I calculate every body's weight in an elevator to make sure it can hold everyone. I am able to shop anywhere that I want to and have a choice in my clothing styles (even fashionable if I choose)--However, I still buy 90% at Goodwill or Salvation Army due to my size still changing. I am also able to buy shoes again!!! I wear an 11W or 10.5W and I previously had trouble wearing an 11WW and you may remember the 2 years that I couldn't wear shoes at all and had to wear men's house slippers that I had to cut the tops off to fit OR the surgical boot with the Velcro top. Reflecting on this today, makes me want to cry. I don't recall being extremely depressed from my situation but I wonder if that's due to good coping skills and defense mechanisms including denial.

I still haven't done my makeover that I promised myself that I would do when I reached the 100 lb. loss mark. My hair is very thin and I have lost SO much that I have been afraid to get it cut too much, or dyed and permed. I really do need to do something nice for myself and I want the change! I checked into getting Lasik a few months ago. They were running a commercial for $1000 dollars off, however it was still 4 grand to get it done. The kids think it's funny to grab my glasses and it seems like every other week I am getting them repaired. Scott also smacks them off my face when he's angry. I have astigmatism in both eyes and have pre-demacular degeneration. I guess I will have glasses for awhile and maybe put that on my long term list. I would like to get my teeth whitened. That is fairly inexpensive and would really boost my self-esteem. I guess that's something I could look into getting done soon! Additionally, I am in desperate need of a pedicure. I have never had one, and it has been years..5 or so I guess, since I have been able to wear sandals regularly so my heels are very dry and are in need of some TLC. Last month I had my jewelery re sized. My rings went down from a size 13 to a size 8. I had gold taken off of my bracelets that I got for graduation, and I had two gold necklaces-one yellow and one white, sized down to a 16 inch. Previously, the smallest necklace I could wear was a 22 inch!

Another thing that has changed in my life is the attention from others. Suddenly, I am worthy of having doors opened for me and compliments on my hair, clothes etc. Men now acknowledge my existence!! I have had a range of emotions with this change. I was angry for awhile, then flattered, then very self-conscious and now I am frustrated again. Everyone is worthy and deserving of being paid attention to and treated with respect. So often, size, weight, and obesity in our society is associated with laziness, ignorance, and poor self-control. These terms may or may not be the result of extra weight however, we fail to look at the precipitating factors involved with the weight gain. To say that the stigma is huge is an understatement. It is awesome for me, being a social-scientist if you will, to be able to experience both sides of the spectrum and have the insight to analyze the behavior. Man, too bad I don't need a dissertation........

Food has changed dramatically in my life. The role of food, the quantity and quality of it is different. My stomach can now hold approximately 10 to 12 oz, which is a lot compared to the 2 oz. right after surgery. Now, I can eat anything that I want to, I have no restrictions. However, I still don't eat breads, carbonated beverages, sweets or much red meat or processed meat. I try to keep my diet at a lean meat, veggies and fruit. I still get pretty sick if I eat lots of sugary foods, but I usually will take a bite or two. I miss pasta, rice, and potatoes but I know there's really no nutritional value for me in them. I try to drink plenty of water and my cup of coffee each day.

Finally, my family doctor has told me at my last 2 visits that I have lost enough weight and I don't need to lose anymore. Additionally I have had a few friends tell me that as well. I don't know how to take this advice either. Technically, I am still "obese." My BMI is 2 points away from being overweight. Now, I am not "super morbidly obese" (I know, sounds like a super hero name)like I once was, but this is still an issue. So, are people just not used to seeing me 150 pounds smaller or does this weight fit me well? I do believe that I have a little bit of body dysmorphia (psych diagnosis generally given to anorexic patients who feel that they are heavier then they really are so they continue to diet). Mentally, I still sometimes feel that I am still that big and I have to tell myself that, that's not who I am anymore. I still have the fat lady brain a lot of times,which makes it difficult. I find myself looking in mirrors for quite awhile, not to be narcissistic but to try to make the mind body connection, which I believe is part of the healing process.

So....it has been a year, and I have come a long way, and I am continuing this journey until I reach my goals. This will be a life long journey for me, I do believe and hopefully I will be prepared!

It's January!

2009-01-26T10:44:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a month and all the holiday goodies are now gone and I am ready to "recommit to be fit!" These past several months had been very hard and I sure have been tested several times and had given in a few. Now, it's Valentine's Day. My co-workers had so much fun with "secret santa" that they are now doing "secret cupid" so when I got to work today I had a box of Ghirardelli chocolates and Conversation Jelly Belly's on my desk. Just a reminder, everyone here knows I had surgery and I work for the weightloss center--so it seemed a little funny to me (or insensitive since they know I will get sick if I eat them), that I would get these. I guess I will re- gift them to my secret cupid.

I am having difficulty getting back on track lately. Marland and I are still exercising about 5 times a week but I am getting frustrated. Marland is doing awesome and I admit I am envious of his success. Last week he was able to run 1.5 miles on the treadmill. I am nowhere near that...I am starting to see some muscles in my arms and my legs which is a good sign. I am just having a hard time getting into it. I see other people and it looks like they are enjoying themselves...I know people who like to exercise as well. But, I'm still not hooked and therefore I'm probably not giving it my 100%. I need that push to get into gear.

I saw my surgeon last Monday and he gave me a standing ovation and was very pleased with my success. He wants me to lost another 65 pounds....My personal goal with be another 40. Of course, now I'm not losing weight as fast as previously and I'm hitting lots of plateaus. Dr. Clark said that the "help of the surgery" will be done in the next month or two and it will be all on my own from there on out. So a good weight loss will be 7-8 pounds a month and an alright to average would be about 5 pounds. Which is kinda a bummer since it feels like I still have so much more to go. Marland and I were talking before church yesterday about starting to do dietary exchanges and watching calories. Since I work with 4 dietitians, I will ask for them to do the "works on us." I believe that if we hold each other accountable we will have better success. Marland wasn't too keen on the idea but he agreed to it. I need to buy some cookbooks or borrow some from Amy to get new ideas because the salads and fish are getting boring.

I am still shopping faithfully at Willards (Goodwill). I haven't had as much luck recently and as always I'm in need of some tops and proper fitting pants. I finally gave in and bought some underwear at Meijer last week. I am down 6 sizes and can start to buy the fancy ones again instead of Grandma's special. I forgot though the stress of buying undies....satin, cotton, briefs, hi-cut, low rise, bikini, white, black, pastels, prints....and on and on. I swear I was in the aisle for a half-hour comparing on the different offerings. I'm sure the secret security people had the cameras on me waiting for me to shove some in my purse or to have a complete mental breakdown. I still haven't re-sized my wedding ring either. I am almost ready to do so, and the fake one that I have been wearing is starting to turn my finger green. I will need to make a trip to the jewelers to get that done and to have some of my gold chains shortened. I have several chains in various lengths but all are too long. Previously a 22' was the shortest that would fit. Now I wear an 18' but I think I need at least one 16'. Nobody informed me of all these little things that would end up costing so much!!! But don't get me wrong, it's all worth it!

Scott continues to be a handful for us. The program that he currently is in, First Steps, ends on his third birthday which is in March. Then if he qualifies, he goes on to RISE which is Special Education through the school district. This transition is making me anxious because of the uncertainty of everything and knowing the continuing need he still has. First Steps evaluated and treated him on his developmental issues which he still has (sensory and auditory issues), however RISE focuses on cognitive issues that will affect his learning. Scott is sharp in that area, he is so smart and right on target with colors, words, letters and shapes. For a long time I believe that he had a form of autism or Aspburgers or some other PDD...now I believe he doesn't fit the criteria for those but I'm uncertain what it is. Anyhow, it is frustrating! Julie on the other hand is pretty much opposite. Sure she does the annoying 2 year old things, but she is so sweet and smart. However, she has learned the temper-tantrums from Scott. It was over the Christmas holiday that she transitioned into a terrible 2. So, needless to say the Pittman household is very stressful at times and I long for a regular weekly parents night out.

Well that's it currently. Thanks again to all of you faithful supporters, I truly have needed and appreciate the inspiring and encouraging words!

Thighs, Shoes, and cocktail Jewelery for Christmas!!

2008-12-16T13:49:00.000-08:00

First 2 photos were around this time last year. The bottom two pictures were taken approximately 2 weeks ago--right after Thanksgiving.

Wow, I really suck at keeping this up-to-date!!! Well, I reached my New Years goal right around Thanksgiving! I have officially lost 132 pounds now (I guess that's equivalent to a non-obese adult woman, a large dog or a new born calf). Anyhow, it still seems unbelievable to me. I had my surgery almost 9 months ago.

I am now in a "teen" size pant and I am so happy to report that I have two thighs that don't touch! I still buy most of my clothes from Goodwill, which I have affectionately renamed it to Willards. To me that sounds like a high fashion department store. I have been SO blessed with the clothing I have found there. Everyone is so suprised when I tell them where I shop.

Furthermore, I can now where shoes at department stores. This is a huge milestone for me. For those of you who don't remember, during my pregnancy with Scott I developed severe lymphedema which persisted through my pregnancy with Julie as well. I have had to wear support hosiery (custom made costing several hundred dollars) and used a lymphedema press at night to help get rid of the excess water. Now, as of the week of Thanksgiving, I can go to any store and put on shoes and they will fit!!! It has been over three years since I could wear "normal" shoes that didn't have to be custom made and altered. I only had one pair of shoes during this period besides for my men's house slippers that we cut at the bill. Also, you can't forget the years that I couldn't wear socks because they cut off my circulation and would cause pitting edema. This was one of the primary reasons for the surgery and now it has been resolved. However, I still have lymphedema in my legs and feet, but it's not even close to where it used to be.

Additionally, I can now where department store rings. I found this out last week. My wedding ring is a size 13.5!!! Now, I currently wear a size 8! I am so excited to be able to wear "fake" rings. Previously everything I wore was real, now, bring on the imitation jewels--I'm a new woman!

On the down side, I have SO MUCH extra skin. Skin is hanging off of every body part. My butt, stomach, thighs, and boobs are sagging. I have skin hanging over my knee caps and elbows. Eventually I will want to get this taken care. They don't recommend any plastic surgery until 18 to 20 months out so I have a little bit to wait.

Marland and I are still exercising regularly--I try to get in 4 times a week. I'm still waiting for the enjoyment of working out to kick in because it hasn't yet. I don't like to get all sweaty and out of breath but I do like seeing my muscles develop. Anyhow, today I ran on the treadmill for the first time!! Well, it was only for a min. or two but it's a start. I have had several dreams of becoming a runner and that's been a goal for quite awhile so I'm totally psyched!

My goals for the next two months (Feb. 2009) will be to lose another 10 pounds. The weight is coming off a lot slower and I definitely need to work a lot harder. Currently I'm on another plateau which is so frustrating but I know that I just need to wait it out and keep focused.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!!

Bye Bye Boobies

2008-11-03T11:00:00.000-08:00

Yup, that's right, the boobies are vanishing! My Aunt sent me some coupons to the Avenue to buy some clothes. I took that opportunity to purchase a couple of bras. My current bras were only being held up by the shoulder straps. Anyhow I went down from a 48DD to a 42D. Now, I have always known that breast tissue was basically fat, however that was one thing on me that I didn't notice was shrinking as much as it has. I'm not too sad to see the loss, but in a way I am because isn't big boobs such a valued body part??
Well the holidays are coming, and I have set a few more short term goals to reach by the end of the year. I feel that by making them public gives me some accountability towards achieving them. So, I would really like to be in the "teens" in pant size by New Years. I honestly can't remember when I was able to fit into a "teen" size. My best guess would be 1996 or so. Additionally, I would like to lose 15 more pounds. So, there it is....I have roughly 2 months to reach these. It is possible but I will have to definitely behave during the holidays to meet it!

Loose Skin

2008-10-30T11:55:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a month since my last post and 17 more pounds gone. Things are still going well however, the weight loss is starting to slow down. This is normal after the 6 mo. mark, however it is still disappointing because I still need to lose so much more! Currently the loose skin is becoming the problem. I have "excess" skill on my arms, around my stomach, and my hips and thighs. It has just recently started to look bad. I'm concerned because I know the more you lose the worse it will look. I had been hoping that the daily exercise would reduce it, or slow it down, which it has but just not enough.

Marland and I are still exercising at least 3 days a week. Also at work we have started a stair stepping club during our lunch hour. We started it this week. Currently we are doing 3 flights of stairs 4 times in a row. This takes us about 10 mins. and really gets my heart rate up quick. I have been suffering from shin splints since I started exercising. I am doing all the stretches that I have found on line with no luck. I might need to get professional help soon.

I hope to be going clothes shopping soon! My Aunt sent me some 50% off coupons in the mail that I'm excited to use. I haven't really bought any clothes from anywhere except for the Goodwill since my surgery, besides for 1 pair of pants and 2 shirts from Meijer. I have to admit, that Goodwill has treated me very well and I almost now see it as a hobby. However, I have refused to buy any undergarments from there. So needless to say, I'm wearing underwear and bras that are several sizes too big!

My food intake has been going very well. I am up to approximately 8-10 oz. per meal and can eat pretty much anything. I am still avoiding red meat for the most part, and carbs but I don't feel that I'm really missing out on anything. Having junk food brought in the house and going out to eat can still be challenging but for the most part I am able to resist. I don't purchase anything at the store that will tempt me, which has helped a lot. However, I have to admit that I am a BIG fan of pumpkin so this season has been really hard for me.

As for the family, everyone is doing well. Scott's behavior and speech has greatly improved, and Julie is just a little sweetheart. Marland is fine and busy as always. Amy, my sister, had a baby girl named Elizabeth last month, which has been such a blessing.

I reached my goal!!

2008-09-27T17:07:00.000-07:00

Hi all!! The top picture is from Amy's babyshower last week, and the bottom picture is my pre-surgery pic take 4-23-08. I know that it has been a while, things have been busy as always. Monday, 9/24/08, I reached my goal! Initially, I made a goal of losing 100 pounds in 6 months, and I did it! I had been on a long plateau of over a month and at times became quite discouraged. However, as I write this today, I have lost 103 pounds. I am feeling great and so thankful that I did this.

Marland and I get up at 4:30 am and get ready and go to the gym before work. Marland has lost almost 50 pounds and is looking awesome too. We have changed our entire way of eating and are more concious about what we are putting into our bodies. I can cross my legs, paint my toes, and exercise without my thighs rubbing together! I am now the same size I was when I was a senior in highschool. Everything is getting smaller, except for my lower legs that still have severe edema in them. I was told that this will probably never go away and it was a sacrifice I made to have my beautiful children.

The Salvation Army and the Goodwill has been very good to me. All of my current clothes are from there except for a few that my friend Kacie let me borrow. I also have purchased a couple of things from Meijer, since I can now once again wear their clothes as well.

My goal is to get enough cash together to do some type of hair make over. I am a virgin to getting my hair professionally colored, and I have had the same long, curly hair do since 9th grade. I believe that I have always hid behind my hair do to my full face and several chins. My skin for the most part is still pretty tight. Many people after losing significant weight need plastic surgery to remove the excess skin. I'm hoping that exercising regularly will prevent me from needing it.

My diet is pretty much a "normal" person's diet except I don't eat red meat, rice, pasta, bread or any bread products. Also, I can't have any sugar--similar to a diabetic diet. I try to avoid as much processed food as possible as well. I have had one "dumping" incident since surgery. We went to BW3's and I got grilled chicken strips but dipped them in buffalo sauce. Apparently buffalo sauce is mostly sugar. I had the sweats, light headed and dizzy, diarehea, vomiting and basically felt like I was going to die. It came on all of a sudden and after I had expelled it all from my body, I felt perfectly fine again, just a little tired. I learned my lesson with sugar and hope not to make any more huge mistakes. I was a little pissed though, I felt that if I was going to get that sick I should have eaten something worth it like ice cream or chocolate.

As for future goals, my surgeon would like me to lost another 100 pounds. However, that seems like too much in my opinion. That would be like my weight in junior high or maybe a little bit earlier. I would be so happy with another 50 pounds, which I believe is absolutely attainable.

Thanks again to everyone who has supported me in the process. The words of encouragement have meant the world to me. I will continue to keep you posted!

Has It really been a Month?

2008-07-30T14:44:00.000-07:00

Yup, it has been quite some time! Life has been SO busy lately that I haven't had much leisure time to myself. Anyhow, I have now lost 75 pounds!! I am now wearing 5 sizes smaller in pants and my boobs are shrinking like crazy! Still, I believe the most noticeable is my face.

Marland and I got a gym membership a few weeks ago. We have been going but not as dedicated as I would like. I work many 11 hour days and by the time I get home the babysitters and the gym have left for the night. However, we have learned how to use much of the equipment and I usually feel like I get a great workout! I need to see my GP though about getting an inhaler. I have had asthma off and on through my life and I think it has returned. I have trouble breathing and sometimes when I get off of the equipment I am dizzy.

I got a new job!!! The St. Francis Weight Loss Center has hired me to be their social worker!! I will be doing psych evals, groups, orientations, and individual therapy for people who have had or are in the process of getting surgery. I am very excited about this opportunity and they were really impressed with my credentials and since I have gone through the surgery myself I am an asset to their team. Most of the "therapy" used in obsessive eating is the same theory base used in drugs and alcohol so their isn't much of a learning curve. As I explained to them during my interview, someone with an opiate addiction (or in my case food) can't break it by themselves, they usually are physically and emotionally attached therefore, they are able to take methadone (my case gastric by-pass) and with the assistance of medical technology they get the extra push to get their life back on track. Of course these individuals still need regular mental health treatment to evaluate why they were addicted to pain killers (food in my case). Anyhow, I am so excited for this opportunity to work in the clinic, with the surgeons, dietitians, and nurses, and to do something I'm passionate about. I feel that this job was created for me and for a reason!!! Additionally, I will still have late nights (which stinks) but I will be hourly and they don't want me to get over 40 hours! YEAH! Say a prayer for me that this goes well and that I will enjoy my time there.

I will post more late when I get a chance!!

Dreams.......

2008-06-24T13:02:00.001-07:00

I had my first skinny dream!! It was really weird, it was definitely me but I was approximately 150 or 175lbs. In this dream I was very happy and extremely proud of my 'new me.' I had been exercising-actually I was going for a run (which I have NEVER done) and then I went shopping. I was dressed in some pretty sexy clothing that revealed quite a bit of skin, which is total opposite of my current wardrobe (less skin the better). I was getting positive attention from other people and I really felt "hot." Anyhow, during the dream, I kept on weighing myself, which after I woke up I thought how that wasn't good, I was obsessed with the scale. It almost seemed like I was narcissistic.

Marland has never been to keen on the whole dream idea, unlike me and my Mom who try to read into them. I have always been able to remember my dreams except during periods of extreme stress. Obviously, it doesn't take a PhD or a certified psychoanalyst to try and interpret some of this.

I went and got eyeglasses yesterday from Eyeglass World. They had buy one get 2 free (of course there's all the little charges that they don't advertise) but overall it was a good deal. I purchased one pair similar to what I wear now-nothing to risque, more traditional with the metal frame. Then I got another pair that had the plastic colored frame. This is the new style that everyone seems to be wearing. Previously I didn't think I could pull it off, but now I have a little more self-esteem, so what the hell! Additionally, I bought a pair of the super huge lenses sun glasses. These are similar to what I have been seeing on T.V. and in the fashion magazines. I'm pretty excited but as I told Amy yesterday, I hope that when they come in, in 10 days I don't wonder if I was on crack or something to make me purchase them. I would really like to get contacts or Lasik but the opthamologist said I'm not a good candidate for either. I have a strong prescription for my far-sightedness and astigmatism in both eyes. I have tried contacts numerous times and they just don't work for me. My face is definitely shrinking now (that's what most people notice when they haven't seen me for awhile) and I would like for my new transition to be glasses free, but that's not going to happen. Oh well!

Everything else is going well....will post more later.

Protein........YUCK

2008-06-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

Good news, some friends of mine (or my Mom's??) well I guess ours, sent me some protein supplements! Mike had the WLS and is doing Fabulous....I believe his loss is over 150 pounds! Anyhow, I got them last night. The package included 12 bars, 2 different types of protein powder and some vitamins. I am SO excited-it was better than Christmas. I have my fingers crossed that I will be able to tolerate them.

This week the scale has not been very encouraging. I haven't lost any weight. However that doesn't mean that my measurements haven't changed. Wednesday, I dug out some rings that I haven't been able to wear in 5 or 6 years. One is a tanzanite and the other a ruby. It's nice to see them again, however I would really like to wear my wedding ring again. My mom suggested getting a fake one, which I think I will do. However, I don't know if my fingers are small enough yet to get one from JcPenny or Macy's yet. I have my Dad's hands (which I have always affectionately referred to as 'little sausages'). My wedding ring was size 13 1/2 which was much bigger than Marland's. Marland has beautiful hands and legs. I sure hope at least Julie, if not both of my kids get that from him.

Soon it will be time to go bra shopping....I haven't been for several years (maybe 6 or 7). They were shot to hell (the bra not the boobies) before having kids and now they are all stretched out with no good support (Ha Ha, I guess the bra and the boobies here). Bras are rediciously expensive too...I guess that's a tangent for another day. Anyhow, I wear a bra to bed everynight because I have talked with other WLS patients and most of them need a boob lift a year or so down the line, so I am hoping that having 24 hour support will help.

The kids start with the new babysitter on Monday. Hopefully this will be a good fit for all of us. Marland has confirmed that he will be joining the gym with me. I hope that we will be able to start real soon. I still need to call to get the membership fees etc. I think that it will be good for both of us. Hopefully we can motivate eachother.....Things are going good overall. I feel pretty good, my hair loss in minium and my energy level is fair-hopefully that will improve in the next few weeks. My understanding is that it takes awhile for your body to get over the shock of the surgery and to adjust to your new lifestyle.

Have a good weekend!

...And She Can Cross Her Legs!!

2008-06-16T12:51:00.000-07:00

Yup, I can now cross my legs again without any trouble. Boy, it has been awhile since I have been able to do that without assistance. Previously, I would grab my pant leg of the leg I wanted to cross and lift it onto the other leg. Nope, no more of that, I can now do it with ease, and I'm doing it as much as possible!

I went to my second social support group last week on Thursday. It was okay, I still was quite disappointed. I was the youngest in the crowd by at least 15 years. One of the ladies there was 2 weeks out and was a MESS. She was balling and stating that she didn't know why she had done this (the surgery). She had not changed her diet at all. She came is drinking a coke and reported have spaghetti that afternoon. I really felt bad for her. However since these groups are run by nutritionists not mental health professionals, the mental part of that was not discussed at all. The nutritionist just discussed what she should have in her diet right now. It was disappointing.
They had professional hula-Hooper's there, selling weighted hoops. Their actual web site is: http://www.hoopdaloop.com/ . They sell these hoops for $29.00 for a 2 or 3 pounder. Many people were very excited and purchased them, they told us it was easy to use and would really help to firm up our belly areas. However, I tested one for approximately 5 mins. and couldn't get the darn thing to work. I will keep the flier, but won't be buying my own any time soon.

I talked with the Nut (nutritionist) after the group. I told her that I can't drink anymore of the protein drinks that I have been using....even the thought makes me want to hurl. So, I told her that I have been drinking skim milk....about 20 to 30 oz per day to get in any additional protein that I need. She told me that I have to stop because the milk has too many calories. I thought that I was doing something good, but apparently not. I don't even like milk, but I was drinking it. It's just so discouraging. So anyhow, I'm on a new quest to find the most wonderful protein drink on the planet and at this rate I don't care how much it costs!

Marland and I and the kids went to a potential new babysitters house this Saturday. If her criminal background check comes back okay they will start there next Monday. This is exciting because she is willing to watch the kids early in the morning so hopefully I will be able to start working out before going into work. Marland has said "we" instead of Holly a few times, so I have been wondering if he's planning on joining me. Anyhow, I need to have a membership before I go back to Dr. Clarke so I don't get chastised again.

I ate beef!!! Yup, I broke the rule. I was supposed to wait for a year--I'm only 12 weeks post-op. However, I still don't understand that. Other programs in the city allow you to have it after a couple of months. Anyhow, on Saturday after going to a couple Goodwill stores in the hunt for clothing that will fit, we went to a Mexican restaurant. I ordered a soft taco with just meat and cheese. I gave Marland the shell and just ate the innards. I dumped salsa on it so it would be nice and juicy. It was wonderful. It went down very smooth with no problems. Marland had cooked me salmon the night before on the grill and about 1/2 hour after consumption, it came back up. I still can't eat anything that is dry or dense including chicken, pork chops, or salmon. I'm started to get tired of shrimp now too. I guess I better find something pretty quick! One of the books I got from the library has some recipes in it....I guess I should give those a shot. I still like soup quite a bit, but it needs to be loaded with protein for me to benefit from it since I can only eat such a small portion.

Skinner Body--Fat Lady Brain

2008-06-11T10:40:00.000-07:00

Okay....Well, I'm coming to a realization that I just might need some counseling for my food issues. This is something that I have been tossing around in my mind for quite awhile now, but for me to voice it here, I think I'm actually admitting that I need to get some help. My stomach is approximately 4 to 5 oz. which for those of you who are visual type people, that's the size of a small yogurt cup. However, lately I have been eating until I'm full, then I just want to continue with that "one last bite." I don't know, maybe mentally I feel that I need to clean my plate or there's starving children in Africa. Hell, who knows....all I can say for sure is when I eat that last bite I feel horrible (stomach pains and needing to vomit) in addition to it stretching my stomach which is bad too. Furthermore, I have learned this week that I can't keep food at my desk at work. At the grocery I bought a small can of wasabi almonds, and I can't stop eating them. I need a 12-step group for my habit! Anyhow, I will get 8 out of the jar, which is the serving size, and after they are gone and I'm sitting for a few hours I have a few more. Now, I do try and rationalize my thoughts by saying "hey at least it's not chocolate" or "it's okay, it's on the 'approved' food list." However, I know better. I have done SO good not cheating and I recognize the issue so I'm half way there. I just need to get rid of these.

Another weird thing is celebrations....Take a min. and reflect on how many activities in your life revolve around food. I'll help you out in case your stuck: birthday, wedding, anniversary, death, promotions.....not to mention those of us who are comfort eaters who can add to the list when happy, sad, excited, mad, bored, tired, depressed. Okay, you get the point. Anyhow, at a birthday party at work yesterday someone was trying to get me to eat the cake. I was truly upset. I heard, "oh, it won't hurt you" or "just give it a try" so mentally you know I really wanted the cake, but I said no (round of applause please). Then someone else is encouraging me to change my mind. That sucks! What sucks even more is that by just saying no, I turned into this big ordeal and drew attention to me....Maybe in the future instead of saying no I should say I'm allergic to _____. Because if I took a piece not only would it be wasteful but then when I didn't eat it people would ask if I didn't like it.....Honestly, it shouldn't be this difficult! Maybe saying shut up and eat your damn cake is the solution.

I got an email today stating all my requested WLS material (4 items) has arrived at the library. I'm excited to pick them up tonight. I will also pick up a few movies for the kids while I'm there.

Shorts.....No Shorts....

2008-06-09T13:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first day since my honeymoon in 2001 that I have worn shorts!! I have to admit that I felt a little naked and the breeze up them was a bit suprising! I don't own any, I had put on a pair of Marland's, since it was 90 degrees and sunny. I still have lymphedema in both legs so the sight is pretty scary, hey, but I did it!!! We were only outside for a little more than an hour. I covered the kids in suntan lotion, however Julie and I still looked baked when we came inside. Scott played for the first time in his motorized 4wheeler that Jim and Kari Livingston gave us. He thought it was wonderful, however he couldn't figure out how to use the steering wheel so he kept driving into things. Additionally, he was pretty mad when the batteries died. It's hard to believe that my little man is getting so big!

The "loose" skin is starting to develop. Nothing really too bad, but when I lay on my side you can see some loose wrinkled skin. It kinda looks like a prune or what you see in the elderly who have lost lots of weight/muscle mass. I'm sure this is just the begining of this new development. Being optimistic and positive, I guess I can reframe this to say "wow, now I have true visual evidence of weight loss" Well, I guess that's it....more to come soon.

Is it the Weekend Yet?

2008-06-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Friday 6/6/08 and I'm at work.....apparently not working. I have been in such a work slump and apparently so is my husband, after reading his blog just moments ago. Anyhow, the economy sucks and there's no jobs being posted that really interest me. I am currently director of a chemical addiction facility. We are open Monday-Thursday 8am to 8pm and 8-3 on Friday's. I work crazy long hours and always feel like I'm neglecting my family. If someone calls in sick I have to cover for them. During the school year I usually request a few interns from the masters program to help us out, but then we are screwed in the summer and have to pick up doing all the free work they were doing. We are a small company, after laying off 30 % of our workforce last year, and our benefits are horrible. So needless to say, I'm looking for a job, preferably with a hospital that will provide me with a set schedule and benefits to support my family. I am expecting an offer next week for a part time position that will start in July. It is at a new hospital that they are just finishing building. I will be in the emergency room. I will work every Friday from 4pm to 8am on Saturday. This will help us financially, and I will be able to get my foot in the door.

Nothing really new to report on the weight loss front. It is still coming off and I'm going through clothes quick! I am getting really bored with the food that I am eating!! I went yesterday to our library's web page and reserved several books on Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) and they even had cookbooks available to check out that are made for the restrictive diets of people who had WLS. So I'm really psyched about that! I had one bad episode this week--possibly my first dumping??? I ordered black bean soup at a business luncheon. I have been eating LOTS of beans so I thought nothing of it. However they must have put a lot of sugar in it or something. It gave me horrible bout of diarrhea. I had to go home and I slept all afternoon, feeling extremely weak! Oh, Marland also bought some frozen sea scallops last week at the grocery which have been GREAT! Sea food has been wonderful for me because it's low in fat, no carbs, high protein and can be somewhat watery/mushy. Anyhow, I have been eating shrimp almost daily and now I can add scallops! Yeah! I did my weekly weigh in yesterday and it looked like I lost 5 pounds this week which isn't bad! Maybe if I get some time this weekend I can make a trip to Goodwill or something! I think that would really boost my self-esteem! OH, and the new gym, called LA Fitness down the road just sent a flyer this week that had a coupon for a one week trial membership. Then, if you decide to join it's 34.99/month. My goal is to join the gym after I get my first paycheck from my second job or possibly when I get a job with 'standard' work hours so that I could go before or after work.

Well, that's the latest from my world....time to go home and take care of the kids!

The Doctor's Visit

2008-05-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

Went to go see Dr. Clarke last week (5/19) for my 8 week check-up. I waited for over two hours for a 10 min. check, which was crazy however the waiting room was more like a social support group with everyone talking about their surgeries and what was and wasn't working for them. The nutritionist also came out and answered questions from the "audience." I have lost 42 pounds so far, which he said was pretty good. I was told that I was not allowed to eat protein bars for at least a year and I reconfirmed that I'm not allowed to eat red meat for 6 months. For all the research I have done, it seems that every doctor has different requirements. Some people can eat those things and also can have caffeine--which I would love to have.

My diet is still pretty simple. I have a hard time eating any real solid/dense foods. I have tried eating grilled chicken breast a few times and have had poor results. I am still eating a lot of fish, shrimp, cheese and beans. I am now allowed to eat almost anything besides for the forbidden foods (rice, red meat, bread, pasta, soda, caffeine). It's now more about what I can tolerate.

The thought of protein drinks makes me want to hurl. I have been doing the Carnation Instant Breakfast which several months ago I liked quite a bit and now I really dislike. I am continuing to try new things though. My next step is to find a cook book of high protein low fat and carbs that as a family we can eat together and enjoy.

My Dad donated some funds to the new wardrobe account which was extremely generous. I will be going shopping soon for some new clothes. He also brought me a scale to use, so now I can actively monitor my weight. My Mom has also dug up some of her old dress clothes from her career days for me to wear to work as well. So, with the extra help from them, maybe I won't look so disheveled. I still haven't started an exercise program. Excuses, excuses. Hopefully I will be able to figure something out soon.

Work is still very stressful. I am working extremely long hours and I feel like I'm neglecting my family. I have applied for several jobs that will have traditional hours and good benefits. Hopefully something will come along soon.

Scott is getting enrolled in First Steps this week to have his speech evaluated. He is starting to talk more but we are still having difficulty understanding him and it's making him and us frustrated. I have heard good things about the program and I'm excited.

Guess it's been a While.....UPDATE!

2008-05-13T05:49:00.000-07:00

Tuesday May 13, 2008

Sorry, boy does time fly by fast! It has been so long since I have posted, I had forgotten my password!

The weight loss is going good. Marland and I still don't have a scale, but I'm pretty sure I've lost around 40 pounds. I can now really see it in my face, and others and have said that as well. I am now down 3 jean sizes and am wearing the same size that I was when I met Marland and before the babies!!

I desperately need to go buy some new work clothes. I am still wearing my pre-surgery clothes, and I feel very disheveled. They are just hanging off of me, and it's affecting my self-esteem. That's the part that sucks. Clothes are so expensive and we really don't have the extra cash to be going on shopping sprees. Next month all the Goodwill stores in central IN are having a 50% off everything sale. So that is my plan for new work attire.

I am now on semi-solid foods, which is great! I just need to make sure I chew really well and that the food is not dry. I still can't drink 30 min. before or after eating which is sometimes difficult. Additionally, I still can't have any red meat, bread, rice, pasta, etc. for several more months.

I had a vomiting stage a few weeks ago, that when I was taking my medicine I would get sick. It lasted only about a week, but I was vomiting almost daily. Now the only time that I really feel ill is if I eat too fast or drink too much.

I still don't really have a protein supplement that I truly enjoy. I have been drinking mostly Carnation Instant Breakfast (sugar free). I have difficulty with the thick shakes and ones that leave a nasty aftertaste. It's truly hard to drink things you don't like because you can't just chug or gulp them down because it will make you sick.

Lately I have been eating a lot of beans and fish. Both are extremely high in protein and low fat. I also enjoy healthy choice soups and yogurt. Yes, I have been tempted on several occasions to cheat but overall I have done really good! I have taken a small little bite of various items, and it seems like if I just have that sample I'm okay. I don't then have the urge to consume any more.

Exercise is the next thing I truly need to implement. Excuses-Excuses!! Anyhow, here's mine: I have been working 10 to 11 hour days, and when I come home I just want to play with the kids, eat dinner, and go to bed. I really need to get into a routine and stick to it!! I would like to join a gym and find a workout buddy in the future. Someone that would hold me accountable and is in the same shape (or lack there of) as I am. Well, we'll see.

I must go now....more to come very soon!

Freedom!

2008-04-07T18:14:00.000-07:00

April 7, 2008

I went to the doctor's office today. Monday 3/24/08, exactly two weeks from today, I have lost 17.2 pounds! Yeah! It seems almost unreal to lose that much so quick. Honestly, I still can't really see it. I know that I was losing due to my rings no longer fitting though. Marland says that my face looks smaller. Be my luck, my boobs will go first! Anyhow, I am now off of my driving and lifting restrictions and am able to go where I need to go. My 6 incisions are healing nicely and I only have minimal pain when my belly is touched. He increased my meal size to 2-3 oz. and have now started my pureed diet. Of course I don't have to puree the things I have been consuming and I'm free to eat canned chicken and tuna and other fish without pureeing it. Tonight I baked some salmon and it tasted SO good.

Tomorrow I am off to work for my first day back. Dr. Clarke said today that people usually don't go back for 3 to 6 weeks but since I'm young and seem to bounce back pretty good, that he would let me go back. He cautioned me to take it easy and to listen to my body. It will be a major adjustment since it seems that I'm always drinking a protein supplement or take forever to eat my few ounces for lunch but I'm excited!

I went to the GNC today and once again was overwhelmed by the choices and the cost of the items. I purchased 2 new powder protein supplements (banana and vanilla) and 2 Isopures. Hopefully these won't taste horrible. I bought some frozen fruit at the grocery to blend into these to make 'protein smoothies' --sure to be delicious and nutritious :)

Oh...by the way, Dr. Clarke's surgeon bill came today as well. That was another $8,000.00 Wow, I definitely picked the wrong profession. Now don't get me wrong, I understand how long and tedious med school and to have a speciality is pretty spectacular, and he did a wonderful job, but two grand an hour??? You know what, I guess he was worth every penny. I'm happy so far.

The first Bill.....

2008-04-04T06:32:00.000-07:00

April 4, 2008

That's right!!!! The first invoice from the hospital arrived. The grand total was $28,173.79 Yup, don't forget the .79 cents because you know that change could make or break St. Francis. Reading the fine print, it informs me that this is just the hospital bill and I should be expecting other bills from the surgeon and anyone else they could round up to fill out the necessary paperwork. I thank God for having insurance and as I think about how blessed I am, I start to tap into that "social workie" side of me that thinks about the poor and the working poor who can't even go to the doctor to have their asthma or sinus infection treated--and this is America! You know it, I could get on my soapbox and discuss the inequalities that exist in our world..However, I just don't have the energy to tackle that great issue today. I'm sure you can understand. Anyhow, I believe that I will only have to pay my deductible and 10% which isn't too bad....I am on a quest to see how many Indianapolis doctors we can have outstanding balances to.

Yesterday, Marland was feeling pretty sick when he got home from work and laid down. So I tried to entertain the kids for the evening. Anyhow, to make a long story short, I over did it, and was in quite a bit of pain last night. I ended up taking some pain medication. YUCK, felt a little goofy for the rest of the night. Today I'm feeling better, but still some mild pain. I go to the doctor on Monday at 2pm for my pre-op check-up. I'm pretty psyched up. We don't own a scale, so I don't know how much success I've had. Previously I used to believe that people who had this surgery shouldn't say "they lost" x amount of weight because I believe they cheated by having it 'done for them' however, my opinion has COMPLETELY changed. It's still hard work and to follow the diet and the restrictions and to keep it off is something you have to do by yourself. Now, I believe that this is just a tool to get you started.

I had visitors yesterday!! Some of my friends from work stopped by to check on me. It was great seeing people and to catch up! I was sad to see them go. They brought we a nice card signed by all the staff and an inspirational book. I'm looking forward to getting back, and physically I think I am almost ready however my memory seems to be an issue. I'm having difficulty retaining information, which seems to be annoying to my family. Maybe I need to add some Ginseng to my medication arsenal.

Happy Friday and have a Great Weekend!

One Week After Surgery

2008-03-31T09:06:00.000-07:00

March 31, 2008

Wow! It's hard to believe that it has been a week. In some ways it has felt like a lot longer! The kids came home yesterday from my Dad's, which was wonderful. Scott looked like he grew 2 inches. They had them in adorable Easter clothes. Julie at first didn't want to come to me, and she cried for my Dad, which made me cry. But after a minute we were cool. They had a hard time adjusting last night, and we ended up having both of the kids in our bed. Thank goodness for a king size!

I am doing pretty good, I spent most of last week and weekend at my Moms while Marland was at work. He had a prior engagement on Saturday so I spent the night with my Mom on Saturday night, which was kinda fun. Today is the first day that I have been completely alone.

I stopped the pain medication on Thursday. I had minor discomfort, but I just don't like taking that stuff! I am now sleeping on my belly again which is great. My diet still consists of 2 oz. of food per meal and 3 protein shakes a day. Honestly, I am getting quite bored with my options and am really looking forward to next Monday (I got to the doctor for my first follow up appt.) when I will start the pureed diet. Basically all I have consumed in the last week is : scrambled eggs (1/3 of an egg is a oz), cottage cheese, beans (which doesn't really agree with me), oatmeal, instant fat free mashed potatoes, cream of chix soup, and early on I was eating jello or pudding but as we all know, that has no nutritional value. It feels like such a waste when you make an egg and either you have to put the remainder in a plastic baggy or throw it away--Oh no, you wouldn't want to waste that 8 cents! Just to clarify, even though I am only eating the 2 oz., I never feel hungry. Sometimes just eating what I am supposed to almost feels like to much and I throw some away.

Additionally, next Monday will be the end of giving myself 2 shots a day in my stomach to prevent blood clots!! I am very thankful for that. The incisions seem to be healing nicely. The surgical glue that they used to close them is starting to peel off. Under the yellow/orange glue is of course the scab but also the purple marker they used to navigate around my belly--which is also peeling off. Honestly, it's quite the sight!

As far as weight loss goes, when looking in a mirror I can't tell any difference yet. I did put on my wedding ring and the other ring that I always wear and when I moved my hand they slid right off! So I guess I have lost some water weight or something.

So, physically I feel okay. Sometimes a little shaky if I need to eat but overall pretty good. Emotionally, I am doing well too. Actually, I'm kinda surprised at how well I am doing. Changing your entire way of living is crazy and dramatic. Food-especially food you can't or shouldn't eat is EVERYWHERE! It kinda reminds me of what an alcoholic working on recovery must go through- it always being in your face. You see alcohol commercials, it's at the grocery, it's at the gas station, the restaurant, your friend's house and so on...There's definitely some psych work I need to do! I believe the first post-op support group I can attend starts next week. I plan on attending.

3rd Day Post-op

2008-03-27T09:28:00.001-07:00

3/27/08

Surgical Memories:

They put me out real quick, I don't really remember anything in the operating room except for the anaesthesiologist introducing me to people. I woke up with a oxygen mask on and I had two nurses talking next to me trying to decide if I needed to go to ICU or the surgical floor. It was decided that ICU was not necessary. I was in isolation while at the hospital, which was actually really cool because it gave me my own room. However, having to wear gowns and gloves any time people came in was inconvenient. These precautions were due to my MRSA in my C-section incision. After getting to my room that had me on oxygen, which lasted the rest of the day and that night. I found it to be really annoying because it made my face itch. I also was given a ball that was sewn into one of my incisions. This "ball" weighed a ton and was releasing Lidocaine regularly into my abdomen. However, one time trying to get out of bed I ripped it out. They said I would've had to go home with it. So I guess I was determined not to.

The nurses, internal medicine docs and everyone else were wonderful. I had no issues with them and they were so polite and kind. This surgery is considered a speciality operation, so the nurses had at max 3 patients, but usually it was just one or two.

As for today, everything is going okay. I'm still pretty weak and tired. The pain is under control. The nausea stinks but I've been told that that will exist for quite awhile- I'm wearing prescription motion sickness meds behind my ears. Marland brought me over to my Mom's house this morning on his way to work. She has agreed to help me out and let me take naps in her bed. I have a total of 6 incisions in my abdomen. They are around an inch a piece. I have one right in the middle of my chest, so currently I'm unable to wear a bra. They are just wild and free! I have also be given a support band for my comfort. This goes under my armpits all the way to below my butt. It's great for getting up and down and keeping everything in place.

For breakfast I had 1 oz of oatmeal (which is equivalent to one large bite) and 1/2 ounce of jello. I have been good at sipping on my protein drink all morning too! They require me to get between 70 to 90 grams of protein a day. Just for comparison, a 1oz lean pork chop, fish or turkey is equal to 7 grams of protein. To get all the protein in, they say that I have to be drinking the supplements for 12 to 16 hours a day. The purpose of this is that the protein feeds the muscle so when the weight loss occurs my body will chose the fat over the muscle for energy.

Mentally, I'm doing SO much better. I feel confident about the changes and have been so blessed with all the support. I don't want to kid myself though, I know this is going to be a challenge, but baby I'm ready for the fight!

2nd Day after date of surgery

2008-03-26T18:48:00.000-07:00

3/26/08

Things really went well today. I made several laps around the hospital and have been able to consume my protein shakes and a little bit of food. I also took a shower today which felt GREAT! Dr. Clark came by and said I was free to go home if I felt ready. So, Marland came and got me at 5pm. We had to run the the pharmacy to get 4 scripts filled. We dropped them off stating we would come back later. We went home and had dinner. This was my first test with food. I had 1 oz of oatmeal (what they give us to measure are meals are the clear plastic cups that come with liquid cold medicine), and Marland had pizza. I was proud of myself for staying strong. I know that this might be an ongoing issue not only at home, but in the public or professional arenas as well. After dinner we went back to the pharmacy and got my Rx. So here I am. I'm about to give me my first shot in the belly, with a medicine called Lovenox. This is to prevent blood clots due to my legs being swollen as always.

I have been extremely tired these past few days, so as I'm writing this I continue to fall asleep. Therefore, It's time to go to sleep in my own bed!!

1 day after surgery

2008-03-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

3/25/08

Today did not start off right at all. I was extremely nauseous. I had to do everything in my power not to vomit. They have had me on a motion sickness patch behind my ear. I had consumed a quarter of an egg and an ounce of applesauce. I spent most of day in bed besides for talking walks in the hallway. My legs are still in the lymphedema pumps to avoid blood clots. I still feel quite nauseated and a little dizzy. My Aunt and Uncle and Grandfather sent flowers that are SO beautiful. They were quite pungent which was great because it took away the hospital smell. Still on complete liquid diet, and trying to figure out my new pouch and it's limits. I fear puking so I really have a good incentive not to eat more that I should or faster than I should. You are supposed to take a 1/2 hour to eat 2 oz. Which is my "previous" life, that was equivalent to at most 3 bites. I have also had trouble not drinking while I'm eating. You can't drink anything for a 1/2 hour before or after a meal.

Anyhow, everything is well and I'm on the mend. Thanks to all for your support and love

After Surgery

2008-03-26T18:17:00.000-07:00

4/26/08
Well, I'm back!! I couldn't wait to get out of the hospital. I was in isolation during my stay, which required everyone entering my room to wear a medical coat and gloves. So, I had my own room which was great. The extra protection was due to MRSA from from my C-section incision.

Surgery went fine. I took all the meds that offered to keep me calm and relaxed--including to Ativan. I heard that the surgery and recovery took approximately 4 hours. I never really saw the inside of the operating room. They knocked me out quick. When I woke up in recovery the nurses were trying to decide if I needed to go to ICU or the surgical floor. I had an oxygen mask on, but after they brought me to the surgery post-op floor I just had to wear oxygen through the nose.

I have now 6 lovely incisions across my abdomen. Each was approximately an inch and a half. It doesn't look to remarkable for all that they did on the inside. They were unable to get a better look at the liver or a biopsy. We will explore that further once I start healing. I also had a medicine ball sewn in at the top of my chest. This ball was releasing Lidocain on a consistent basis. I also have a band that goes from my armpits to my bottom to hold everything in place. It feels great and it protects all the incisions. I am on clear liquid diet...mostly Crystal light and jello.

Needless to say, I was very sore and I can't remember hardly anything from that day. Which in my opinion is a good thing!

Day of Surgery/Pre-Op Photos

2008-03-24T02:06:00.000-07:00

4/24/08

Well, it's finally here. I didn't sleep real well due to nerves. Yesterday of Easter Sunday. We went to church and ran errands. I took a long nap, which is a luxury since I'm usually running after a one and two year old. I was on a straight clear liquid diet yesterday which wasn't too bad, but I don't think I could do that for ever.

These photos were taken yesterday after church. I couldn't decide if I wanted to look happy or sad or pretty or ugly. When looking at other people's post-op pics some look like hell intentionally and others look like they are ready for a beauty pagent. Anyhow...this is me.

It is 5:07am. We got up at 4 and need to leave in about 10 mins. Mentally I'm doing a lot better and am pretty excited. We are off to St. Francis-Beech Grove. I have packed some reading material etc.

Thanks to all who have given me words of encouragement and are praying for me. I appreciate the support!!! I will try to keep you posted!

Mentally.....Not doing so good.

2008-03-21T20:32:00.000-07:00

3/21/08--Three Days Until Blast Off
The last 48 hours have wreaked havoc on my emotions. I have cried at least 6 times. I am going through a mourning phase. I can't remembering being this sad in a really long time (maybe not ever). So let me break it down. I am scared. Scared about the surgery, scared about my liver, scared that I am not strong enough to do what I need to do....Additionally I'm worried. Worried about how the surgery will affect everything in my life. Worried about my marriage and the changes that will take place, worried about replacing one addiction with another (they taught us that many people who can't be addicted to food anymore replace it with alcohol, drugs, compulsive sex, or shopping) worried about finding new and healthy coping skills to replace food. Along with that I guess I am sad. I have depended on food in an unhealthy way for as long as I can remember. I have abused it when celebrating holidays, weddings, birthdays, new homes, children, and career er. Furthermore, I have abused it in times of sorrow including failing an exam, trouble in a relationship or with family, difficult days at work and deaths of loved ones. I guess I am saying goodbye. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a psychiatrist has a 5 stage grief model. The stages include : denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Now, this model is not linear and people may go through all or a few of the stages and they may revisit a stage. I think I have experienced each stage in this model in the past few days. But, I believe that I am successfully working through my grief and am thankful that I know that this is normal and healthy. However, even with that insight, it doesn't make me feel much better.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking twice about the surgery. I am excited and looking forward to my new lease on life! It is truly exciting to daydream about how I will feel, the energy I will have, and how I might look in a year from now. I am truly blessed!!

My dad and his girlfriend came down from Ft. Wayne today and got my kids. They are laid off from GM and have graciously volunteered to watch them while I'm in the hospital and beginning my recovery. I truly appreciate this, however that did not help my already crazy emotions. It was hard telling them bye. Marland and I haven't been away from them for longer then one night. However, we both are looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow.

Liver test Results and Last day of work

2008-03-21T20:23:00.001-07:00

3/21/08
Janet called me this afternoon with the results from my test. She said that it wasn't real good but not a show stopper. I definitely have a spot on my liver which they are still unable to decipher what it is. She stated that they will try to get a biopsy of it during surgery. After surgery and I heal I will undergo more testing if needed. She said they weren't to overly concerned but we need to keep an eye on it for sure.
My last day of work went fine. I had a lot of loose ends to tie up which kept me quite busy. Most people at work now know about my surgery I believe. I told a few people that I know like to "talk" so I'm pretty sure the news will get around. Initially I was embarrassed to say what I was having done and I didn't want to answer every one's questions. However, it came clear that I needed to say something when I only had 2 weeks vacation time and was told that I would be out for at least three. I figured I couldn't call the receptionist and say "well you know, I'm enjoying Jamaica so much that I decided to stay for an extra week or two. Take care of my appointments will ya?"
Three days and counting....Tomorrow will be the LAST day for real food.

Nutrition Class

2008-03-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

3/20/08
Went today for my nutrition class. This class was 3 hours long and taught us everything we needed to know about our future diets. Right after surgery my stomach will be 2oz. which is very very small. I will start off on clear liquids, then graduate to colored liquids, then pureed food and so on. Their were several very important take home points including you can NEVER eat and drink at the same time, each meal should take 30 mins or more to consume, always eat your protein first, then veggies and fruits, and that I need to consume a minimum of 64oz of protein supplement beverages per day. Additionally, there are several vitamins that I will have to take daily for the rest of my life due to malabsorbtion issues. Marland (my husband) and I will be going this weekend to buy a blender, vitamins, protein supplements, baby food, etc. for my "new lifestyle."

After my class my nurse, Janet, met with me and told me that my liver ultrasound from several days ago came back "abnormal." She wanted me to go immediately to the hospital for a MRI and CAT scan. I was a little nervous about hearing this news but felt that if I wasn't going through all this testing preparing me for surgery, I would have never known about my gall bladder and now possibly my liver. Optimism never hurt anyone right?? Anyhow, the testing went fine except with the CAT scan they put something in an IV that made me extremely warm and had to pee--which they prepared me for, however they didn't inform me that some people get nauseated. Yup, you guessed it, It made me vomit. I was so embarrassed lying down on that little table that takes you in and out of the machine, puking. Anyhow, the tech informed me that the doc would have the results first thing in the morning.

Pre-surgical Testing and Education....

2008-03-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

3/14/08 They test you for EVERYTHING to make sure that you don't croak during surgery. I had a chest x-ray, ultrasound of liver, kidneys, gall bladder, upper GI, EKG, lab work, and a urinalysis. Then in the afternoon we met with the Internal Medicine doctor to go over the results. It turns out everything was fine including blood pressure, cholesterol etc. The only issue is that I have gall stones, so they will be taking out my gall bladder during my surgery. Heh, mise well get rid of all the extra parts right??

3/18/08 I had my meeting with the nurse today. The stack of consents etc. was equivalent to signing for a mortgage. Her name is Janet and she will be my nurse through this entire process. I do like that about St. Francis, that they assign specific people to your case including the nurse (Janet), insurance (Nancy), nutritionist(unknown still), and counselor(unknown still). It's like having all your speciality doctors in the same building. Anyhow, we went over what to expect post-op including hospital stay length, and all the possibilities (ICU, breathing tubes, open chest instead of laproscopic etc.) She ordered my blood clot injections (2 a day in my belly for 2 weeks post-op due to the swelling in my legs). I was pleased to find out that they only will cost $50- she had prepared me for a big bill, if it was even covered. Janet also had me speak with one of the nutritionists before I left. My pre-op diet was making me ill. It consists of a Carnation Instant Breakfast for Breakfast, and one for lunch and either one for dinner or a sensible dinner. Well, I don't drink much milk, so having all that milk was making me ill. She suggested that maybe I'm lactose intolerant and I should avoid the milk based drinks. She gave me a few samples of fruit flavored drinks--I'm not very optimistic about them though. Last bit of good news is that there is NO cleaning out the system or "bowel prep" required for surgery. All I have to do is have a clear liquid diet!!! YEAH! So, on Easter Sunday, I will be having chicken broth and jello. Anything is better than an enema.

3/20/08

Approval For Surgery

2008-03-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

12/10/07 I went for the orientation for the surgery on 12/10/07. This consisted of learning about the available surgical options, meeting the doctor and getting all your measurements. My mom went with we for support and so that she could have a better understanding of the procedure.

1/16/08 My claim was submitted to insurance. The process took awhile to get all the doctor offices to submit paper work etc.

3/5/08 I got the call from St. Francis while at work congratulating me on getting approved. This news came with a lot of emotions. My husband had just put his two weeks in with his employer a couple of days before, and he carries our insurance. So all frantic, I called him and told him we had to meet for a serious discussion after work. After he calmed me down and chastised me for getting so worked up, we discussed our options including paying for Cobra.

I made several calls the next day to find out coverage for his new insurance, Blue Cross and Blue Shield (they only covered 50% so we would have to come up with 20 grand out of pocket) which we immediately ruled out. Then I called the hospital and told them my delima. Nancy, in billing, asked if I would considering having the surgery before our existing insurance expired. Of course, I said yes and that's how March 24 came about.

Weight Loss Surgery...I guess it has come to this

2008-03-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

My Struggle with Weight:
I guess I have always been overweight. At least since I can remember. As a child I was very active in sports (basketball and softball) which helped me not gain weight. However, I remember sneaking food in elementary school and being called 'fat' at that age as well.

I was definitely bigger than most of the kids in high school, however that never really impacted my activities. I still had a strong group of friends, I played softball, and marched in the band. I was always fortunate to have boyfriends and a good social life. My self-esteem at that time fluctuated quite a bit-some due to being a teenage and trying to figure out who I am and the other reason was being over weight. I was teased a lot all through school which hurts more than people may think. It was around my junior or senior year in high school when I stopped wearing shorts due to being embarrassed of stretch marks on the back of my legs--I haven't worn them since except for a few days on my honeymoon. I tried everything to lose weight during that period. I did the Slim Fast, laxatives, exercise videos, exercised at a fitness club with my mom, but nothing seemed to work. My frustration with not loosing weight would lead me to eating as a comfort. Than eating would make me upset with my self. And the cycle would continue to repeat itself.

I continued to have issues in college. It wasn't the freshman 15 for me, it was more like the freshman 55(lbs). I was homesick which didn't help and I have always turned to food for comfort. However, it was still hard to believe since we had to walk everywhere, I had a room on the 3rd floor in the door with no elevator, and it was hotter than hell in the dorms so we were always out and about. I remember one time when I was leaving the bookstore on campus, some guy opened his car door and hit mine. I gave him a nasty look and he replied "I'm sorry, please don't eat me." That has always stuck with me.

I met my husband in college and we dated until we graduated then we got married. He's overweight too, which helped me not feel as self-conscious. However, we continued to eat poorly and both of us put on more and more weight. Though even through our marriage I have felt insecure about my body. I never like to be seen naked, always covering up, even after being intimate. This has been weird to me because he is the exact opposite and I accept him and love him and his body but not mine.---Wow, getting kinda personal hunh??

After several years of trying my husband and I finally got pregnant. And then we got pregnant again. With both pregnancy I had extreme swelling in my feet and legs. I was diagnosed with lymphedema. This is a chronic condition for most people. After delivery the swelling went down but it has now stayed with me. I only have one pair of shoes that fits well, but has holes in the bottom. I have to wear compression stockings daily and am supposed to use a machine (called a lymph press) for 3 hours a day on my legs to reduce the swelling and stimulate the lymph nodes. Left untreated it is possible for my legs to get elephantitis (if you don't know what this is, Goggle it, there's some awesome pictures). So that was the last straw.....I want to be able to wear shoes and massive weight loss would reduce the swelling and help my lymphatic system.

This surgery to be approved by insurance requires lots of documentation of other medical conditions besides being overweight. Currently I have: hypothyroidism, lymphedema, polycystic ovarian syndrome, endometriosis, and lumbar lordosis. Thankfully, I guess that was enough to get the approval.